oops oh my (goregous_mess) wrote,
oops oh my
goregous_mess

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my aim is true

I wish I could be the person I'm aiming to be. I'm tired of working part time jobs and not going to school, I really really want to go back to school and sadly you must work to get there. I'm ready to do something, to really do something. When I look at the person I was a year or two ago, I wonder what happened. I painted, and drew, and photographed all the time and I was comfortable with who I was, I thought I was intelligent and happy and really happy with where I was going. Now here I am looking for jobs and putting a hold on school and being completely boring and unstimulated every day. It's like I did a complete 180 on my life. I feel like I have a completely different mind. I start to think that maybe I am just lame and boring and there really was nothing there in the first place. my whole life has become monotone. instead of having conversations that interest me with people that interest me and trying to be introspective, I go day to day in a dull routine and mostly spending a lot of time by myself and being an insomniac. This time I really feel like I'm stuck on a track I can't get off of. I think other people can see through me too, and I hate feeling vulnerable. I show myself in one manner to hide the other one to keep from feeling vulnerable, so in turn I just decide to be by myself which only makes it worse. It's a vicious cycle, one that I hope and pray breaks very soon. I feel so anxious and fearful, I feel like I don't even know who I am.

so I listen to Elvis Costello

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